Sunday, October 31, 2021

What I Couldn't Do

 A few years ago, my elderly parents were cleaning out their years of accumulated kid stuff and came across some of my elementary school report cards. I have just read through them again and felt pangs of sadness for the little girl who just never lived up to her potential.

Why? Undiagnosed ADD is why. About 6 years ago, I made an appointment to have a comprehensive neuropsychological assessment to find out once and for all if I had ADD. I was not convinced of this and why would I? I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s when it wasn’t something that was noticed or even treated. During the course of the evaluation, I was asked to send my parents forms to fill out detailing how I was a child. My parents refused to do this, preferring to deny the reality of their oldest child.

Studies have shown that girls with ADD are often undiagnosed. https://knowablemagazine.org/article/mind/2020/adhd-in-girls-and-women

In women, ADD can show up as depression or impulsivity. https://www.verywellmind.com/add-symptoms-in-women-20394

In 1973, I was a 3rd grader and a rite of passage for most 3rd graders in my part of the world was the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. I’m sure I couldn’t find Iowa on a map, but that far away state was responsible for heightening the anxiety of millions of kids then. Test taking and ADD generally don’t play well together and I was no exception. That’s why my test results for Reading were less than exceptional even though I was reading at least two grades ahead.

I could not take my knowledge and skills and actually do anything with them. I knew I was intelligent and that carried me throughout my school years. I saw other kids getting scholarships and going off to college, but by high school, my self-worth was shattered.

Today, I work for a psychologist whose main source of income is administering neuropsych assessments to children. Guess what? Most of the clients are young teen girls. Their parents see them suffering and take action to help them. The girls complain that they feel overwhelmed (check!), can’t keep up in certain subjects (math was my nemesis), and are expressing low self-esteem.

I can’t go back and change time. I can; however, forgive myself for my life choices, as they were made without the knowledge of a diagnosis and the help I needed and deserved.

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